i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
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My loaf of bread looks terrified
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
my dad has had enough
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.