I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
finally
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.