I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
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If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
who wore it better?
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?