[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
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Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Not messing around
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Weirdly Wednesday.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!