I like crazy people until they notice me
You Might Also Like
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift