I like crazy people until they notice me
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Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
barbara was highly relatable
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Whoops
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.