I like crazy people until they notice me
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I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
getting corrected
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
back to work
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me