I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
You Might Also Like
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
This kid is going places
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”