I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
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Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
phew
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.