I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
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My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS