I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Somebody needs to get my shit together.