I like donuts.
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Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Something Saturday.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years