I like donuts.
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Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
❤️🦆
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.