I like donuts.
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The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.