Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.