i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
You Might Also Like
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed