i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
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Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Bruh
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.