Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

<- sleeps well with others

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

Don’t talk down to me

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know