Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.