i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
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December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I am, perchance
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Terribly Tuesday.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.