Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school