i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
You Might Also Like
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Morning my dudes.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside