i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
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*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.