Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.