Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

My wife gives the best headache.

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!