Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”