I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
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Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
bat life
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?