Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

me as a parent

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

me after i passed that state trooper

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

so this horse walks into a bar

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”