I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
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I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.