Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.