I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
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drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
My boss called in sick of me
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit