I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
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Last-minute gift idea!
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots