Eggs benadryl my favourite
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I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Oh deer
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
my one true gender
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Did my cat write this