I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
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Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”