I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
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Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Wow 🤣
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]