Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

Lmao

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

mechanics be like

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it