“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
You Might Also Like
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married