I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
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What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
