I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
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Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.