I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes