I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.