I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
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My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
choose your fighter
i’m so sick of this guy
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.