This tree does a lot of weird exercises
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My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
🤣
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.