I like having conversations on elevators because you know there’s a time limit.

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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..


Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat


[puts key in lock]
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”


Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of ?
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell


I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”


Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.


me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer

guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that


As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.


Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.