I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
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I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I want this so bad
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
You better wish for more oil
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?