Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.