I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
You Might Also Like
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.