I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
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hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Had an epiphany today.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.