Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.
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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Marriage is the worst fight or flight simulation ever