@stereofiasco

I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

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@AIanHangover

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

@PetrickSara

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

@SortaBad

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

@Bob_Janke

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

@weinerdog4life

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

@thepaulasuzanne

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

@TheToddWilliams

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

@dadmann_walking

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.