@stereofiasco

I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

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@MsLighthouseCat

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

@TheReal_AndyMac

One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.

@lazerdoov

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

@amore_orless

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

@Cpin42

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

@PunkHistory

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.