I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

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Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.


Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you



One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.


Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.


Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead


[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.


“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.