I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

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You kids have no idea how lucky you are. Back in my day we had to shave our jokes into the sides of cats and throw those cats at passers by.


You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.


ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?


Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, “Yay! I won! Save the whales!”


I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.


When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide


Thanks for the holiday photo! I can’t believe your little girls are already unhappy, overweight teenagers!


Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.


Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.