I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.