I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
The honesty is refreshing
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Why does laundry happen to good people?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.