I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
zone out
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.