Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.