Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

Cardio Made Easy

Ffs laughed out loud 😂