I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat