Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

My beach vacation Google searches

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

Oceanography is all about current events