I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
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bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head