I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
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Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Oh deer
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know