I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
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she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Windchimes
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I thought this was funny lol
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you