I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
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Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
What happened to the other hiker??!
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.