I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
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Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?