Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.