Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..