Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doug is just Canadian for dog

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.