Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

Webb. James Webb.

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

Encore…

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

everyone has that one prude friend

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist