Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it