I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
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I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
🥲
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
The best plant holders?
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
The most precious boy
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*