Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

🧠

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.