i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”