i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
It do be feeling this way.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*