i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”