Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

good let them take over I have had enough

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.