Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

my neighbor is so annoying he keeps texting me things like “my cat is missing” and “i can see my cat in your window” shut the fuck up bill

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.