I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
#Caturday
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.