I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
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ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT