Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs

do you know what they all have in common?????????

eggos

they eat all my eggos

Every time

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too