Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.