Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

Danger is very dangerous

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown